Spare

I'm not usually a memoir reader, but I was also raised by someone who hate-watches anything to do with the British royal family. So I read Spare in part because my mom wants to talk about it, but partially because of my own suspicions about the royal family and the British media. On that narrow criteria, Spare met my expectations.

Spare exceeded my expectations by being a thoughtful look back by a man who's been dealing with trauma since adolescence but, perhaps because of his privileged position, wasn't given the tools to deal with it. A few years ago during one of the regular debates about The Catcher in the Rye which pop up on social media, I wondered if the book is taught less often because modern teens can't imagine a world in which a boy who punches out the windows of the family car the night his younger brother died doesn't get counseling. No one seemed to think that two young teens whose mother died publicly needed anything more than a return to their routine - no extra tenderness, no grief counseling. I'm not exactly faulting Charles for being unemotional because of the environment he was raised in, but you'd think that by 1997 someone would point out that the boys needed to at least have some sort of professional grief counseling. But no, the Stiff Upper Lip ruled the day. The first section of the book, covering his adolescence, is full of "I think this happened" and disconnected events, showing a teenager adrift. He's unable to grieve for his mother (and has locked up memories in defense) and sent to Eton despite it not being a good fit in order for the public to think he's close to his brother, which he never has been. This is where the image of him as "thick" and a screw-up starts. He's honest about drinking and smoking marijuana with his friends, but I get the impression that most of their set did that (so, likely including his brother). But he was the one who the media called "naughty."

The second section covers his transition to adulthood. He entered the army in part because there weren't many other options (the tragedy of being close in the line of succession - I get the feeling Charles would have been much better suited to teaching A-level English and running the drama club). Learning to fly helicopters gives him a purpose, and he enjoys being just another officer...until the media sells him out and he's sent home. He also mentions that he killed people because it was his job and that he's conflicted about that. 

His military career is interspersed with and followed by visits to Africa, where he became interested in conservation and met nature filmmakers who became surrogate parents, and tales of his ordinary life. His girlfriends understandably can't deal with the constant media attention and even though he's grown up with it, he can't either. Everything he does is photographed and the paparazzi go out of their way to bait him. Beyond that, once his military career was over he had little to do - even as a full time working royal, his engagements were restricted to those that didn't conflict with others. Imagine a company based entirely on appearances where all members fight with sharp elbows for the best positions and make sure the competition is iced out of anything that might raise their ratings. That's the royal family. Not the best place for a young man dealing with the fallout of active military service on top of long-untreated trauma. It's no surprise he started having panic attacks and withdrew into reruns of Friendsˆ.

Then, while scrolling through a friend's social media feed, he saw her pictures with her friend Meghan and instantly fell for her. He asked their mutual friend to connect them, started chatting, and fell madly in love as he got to know her. The media (and his older brother) portray this as a "whirlwind romance" but they dated for about a year and a half, which seems normal to me. Meghan also encouraged him to give therapy another try after a prior brief and unsuccessful attempt, and at first the family seemed to like her. The media, however likes to add racism to their hazing of new royals and in retrospect, it was a warning sign that the monarchy didn't defend her. After they got married, the couple's media coverage got worse, and Harry points out that the royal rota not only have connections to courtiers (and possibly family members) who give them juicy stories (true or not) to cover for other royals' indiscretions - or just to knock more popular firm members down a few notches. Here's where William and Kate come across particularly poorly. He comes across as a self-centered bully, and she's cold and snooty. I can understand that Meghan's touchy-feely California attitude might not be a good fit, but I also didn't want to believe the trope of Woman Always Compete With Each Other. The story of the bridesmaids' dresses and Kate's apparent snubbing of the couple makes it look like there was at least a one-sided competition along with a 35-year sibling rivalry coming to a head. We know what happened next - Harry and Meghan escaped, first to Canada and then to California as their negotiated plans were rejected and/or leaked and their security (needed in part because of the hatred stoked by the media), and the book ends with the birth of their daughter. 

So, how true is the book? Memoirs are by definition one sided, but with the Levenson Inquiry we know that the British tabloid press, which is more mainstream than the US tabloids are, uses underhanded methods to write stories which either skirt or outright ignore the truth. And prior books have said that the courtiers run the firm, not the royal family themselves. Memories may vary about details, but the bulk of the story feels true. After 35 years, he's giving his side in response to twisted media reporting and his intention appears to be to get the media to tone it down and maybe give his niece and nephew - the next generation's spares - a bit more breathing room when the photographers stop being satisfied with the frequent but highly controlled photo calls.